thewaterboarder.com

Pointless Celebrities to Pay Corporation Tax, Demands New Government Legislation

 

Palin's Going Rouge

Republican Party bastion Sarah Palin, who captured the world’s attention as the No. 2 in 2008's Republican presidential campaign, today embarks on a three week bus tour of America after the launch of her book Going Rouge: My American Strife yesterday.  After having been ostracised to within an inch of her self esteem during last year's election campaign, Palin has been living in a hut-cum-boho-writer's-pad in the hinterland of Alaska, in an effort to maintain a relatively low profile. Surviving primarily on Caribou and snowflakes, she lauds the experience as “freezing”.   "It's given me the chance to regroup and write my fascinating and ostentatiously descriptive memoirs. My eight-year-old, Piper, helped me write a lot of it, too. She's very wordy."  It was the Alaska State Fair, August 2008. With the gray Talkeetna Mountains in the distance and the first light covering of snow about to descend on Pioneer Peak, I breathed in an autumn bouquet that combined everything small-town America with rugged splashes of the Last Frontier. Cotton candy and foot-long hot dogs. Halibut tacos and reindeer sausage. Banjo music playing at the Blue Bonnet Stage, baleen etchings, grass-woven Eskimo baskets, and record-breaking giant vegetables grown under the midnight sun.  "No, God no, it's not a joke! I actually wrote all that. Not bad for a Pit Bull in lipstick, even if I do say so myself. I'm actually very sensitive and incredibly in touch with nature, despite my penchant for hunting and lifetime NRA membership."  Whilst actual writers prefer to visit big cities on their literary tours, Palin has chosen to ignore the “obvious places” and go for small town America, visiting those towns in which illiteracy and racism are rife.   “I’m primarily visiting the Republican heartland because I’ve got supporters there and they’ll cheer, and cheering is good for my self esteem.   “I’m going to visit the swing states next because I need to sway them into voting for me in 2012. But this book tour isn’t about winning votes – it’s about winning hearts and minds.   “But ultimately I hope it’ll win me votes.”   A painful read, Palin's memoirs most interestingly detail her miseries and plummeting self worth throughout the 2008 battle for President between herself and 'The Charminator', the wonderful, the infallible, the intoxicating... Barak Obama.  "Going Rouge is about the crippling embarrassment I suffered at the hands of that man and his supporters. I'm only just recovering - I still have panic attacks when I see his face, which is pretty much everywhere, but I'm getting there, albeit unbelievably slowly.   “I’m wearing a red fleece on the front cover of Going Rouge not only to convey my all-American, down-to-earth hockey mom image, but also because it mutes the tones of red in my face. I’ve been diagnosed with Perpetual Rosacia – it’s the main and most embarrassing symptom of my embarrassment.”   Palin is positive about the future, despite being pipped at the post to a seat on the presidential chair by a man much more “kind” and “charismatic” than her “gun-toting, critter-murdering” self.   “You can't keep a good Pit Bull down, especially when it’s wearing Raunchy Rouge. That’s the lipstick I wear."