The BBC are today amid rows surrounding their plans to air a recorded celebrity charity sex romp. Sir Michael Lyons, Chairman of the BBC Trust, announced plans to air the BBC Children In Need Celebrity Sexathon in an off-the-cuff interview last night after the roaring success of Gary Barlow's self-indulgent but nonetheless brilliant Songathon: A Tribute to Gary.

"We're just doing dress down Friday and a cake sale tomorrow at the Beeb to raise some cash. Oh, and a 48-hour Celebrity Sexathon? And a guess-how-many-smarties-are-in-this-massive-jar game. The main aim of the day is just to have a bit of a laugh and to raise money for the kids though, isn't it? It's all going to be quite hilarious. And quite innocent."

With rumour mills immediately turning and the assertion of celeb possibles happening at unimaginable speed, no later than 3.4 minutes after the shock announcement did a suspected participant speak up.

The obvious choice for such an endeavour, TV drip and celebrity hanger-oner Dean Gaffney, leaked the details as soon as he was tapped for information.

"Well, I am the man you'd come to for something like this. I'm desperate to hang onto my celeb status, 'cause it gets me into the VIP lounge at Gatecrasher. The birds love VIP.

"I was terrified when I heard Esther was going to be doing it too, though. It was her teeth.. They're so big, they don't fit. But then someone told me they were dentures, which, on hindsight, they quite clearly are, and then I was really excited. I'd never had one off someone who can take their teeth out before.

"She's actually pretty tidy down there, which was a massive relief… It was a bit like going down on a packet of crackers though."

Gaffney wasn't coy when it came to divulging information about any of the other celebrities involved in the controversial TV stunt, and listed the likes of like Sir Paul McCartney, the Chinese man off the Halifax adverts, Jo Brand and Stan Collymore, to name but a few.

"Sir Paul's a bit of a silent assassin, and he can be quite starey. To be fair to him though, he was really focused..." "But he kept touching my bum and whispering lyrics to Hey Jude into my ear when he was doing his thing with Jo. That was probably the worst thing. Apart from seeing Jo naked, actually - that was awful.

“And watching Sir Paul unlace his Converse, that was awful too. And when the Chinese guy cried on Esther. Yeah actually, all of it was pretty horrible, looking back...”

The BBC are being criticised because it's essentially going to be a collection of unsightly self-promoters doing unspeakable things to one another downstairs, to a reportedly abominable standard. They're going to say they're 'doing it for the kids', which also seems a little off-key.

“I wouldn’t mind if it was going to be Michael Barrymore, or Kevin McCloud or any of those lot.” said one woman.

When accused of being a perv, Sir Michael replied, "You’re a perv,"

continuing, “The beauty of it is that people are going to have to pay not to watch it. It's genius.

“And besides. Any publicity’s good publicity. Isn’t that what all these celebs live by?”

The disgusting show is to be aired tonight on BBC1 at 11:50pm, and viewers are invited to watch in 3D if they can find any of those shit 3D specs lying around from every other Children In Need EVER, since their conception...

Eighty five percent of Britains "don't get Miley Cyrus", a survey has revealed.

The US teen star of the hit Nickelodeon show Hannah Montana appears to confuse British viewers, who have found it difficult to succumb to her yobbish charm.

"To be honest, she reminds me of the kind of girl I tell my 13-year-old daughter not to hang around with.

"I wouldn't let her in my house - she looks like the kind of girl who'd steal all the good DVDs, you know, take the disks and leave the boxes," said Chloe Inbint, a mother from Hertfordshire.

And Cyrus isn't alone. The survey revealed that a raft of American stars aren't sitting well with the British public. Other so-called stars include the likes of Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag from MTV's The Hills, folk-pop star Taylor Swift and actor Zac Effron, who all leave the British public feeling cold and dead.

"For quite a long time, I thought Zac Effron was an animal species," said Claire Hullis, a milf from Chester.

"Taylor Swift? Yeah I know who you mean. Plain girl, sings that song... Romeo says something never gonna be alone I've been waiting something something something... Yes, she's very pallid.

"In some lights you can see her internal organs - but even that doesn't make her interesting.

"She makes Leona Lewis look like Bonnie Greer," said Hullis.

Some critics have cited this survey ashaving marked a schism in British and American pop culture. Waterboarder entertainment critic Saul Gitzfist said that, "either the Americans have taken post-modern irony to the next level, openly worshiping people that they know full well are absolute morons,

"Or, well... There's no hope left at all."