Wednesday, 08 September 2010 20:05

After having been ostracised to within an inch of her self esteem during last year's election campaign, Palin has been living in a hut-cum-boho-writer's-pad in the hinterland of Alaska, in an effort to maintain a relatively low profile. Surviving primarily on Caribou and snowflakes, she lauds the experience as “freezing”.

"It's given me the chance to regroup and write my fascinating and ostentatiously descriptive memoirs. My eight-year-old, Piper, helped me write a lot of it, too. She's very wordy."

It was the Alaska State Fair, August 2008. With the gray Talkeetna Mountains in the distance and the first light covering of snow about to descend on Pioneer Peak, I breathed in an autumn bouquet that combined everything small-town America with rugged splashes of the Last Frontier. Cotton candy and foot-long hot dogs. Halibut tacos and reindeer sausage. Banjo music playing at the Blue Bonnet Stage, baleen etchings, grass-woven Eskimo baskets, and record-breaking giant vegetables grown under the midnight sun.

"No, God no, it's not a joke! I actually wrote all that. Not bad for a Pit Bull in lipstick, even if I do say so myself. I'm actually very sensitive and incredibly in touch with nature, despite my penchant for hunting and lifetime NRA membership."

Whilst actual writers prefer to visit big cities on their literary tours, Palin has chosen to ignore the “obvious places” and go for small town America, visiting those towns in which illiteracy and racism are rife.

“I’m primarily visiting the Republican heartland because I’ve got supporters there and they’ll cheer, and cheering is good for my self esteem.

“I’m going to visit the swing states next because I need to sway them into voting for me in 2012. But this book tour isn’t about winning votes – it’s about winning hearts and minds.

“But ultimately I hope it’ll win me votes.”

A painful read, Palin's memoirs most interestingly detail her miseries and plummeting self worth throughout the 2008 battle for President between herself and 'The Charminator', the wonderful, the infallible, the intoxicating... Barak Obama.

"Going Rouge is about the crippling embarrassment I suffered at the hands of that man and his supporters. I'm only just recovering - I still have panic attacks when I see his face, which is pretty much everywhere, but I'm getting there, albeit unbelievably slowly.

“I’m wearing a red fleece on the front cover of Going Rouge not only to convey my all-American, down-to-earth hockey mom image, but also because it mutes the tones of red in my face. I’ve been diagnosed with Perpetual Rosacia – it’s the main and most embarrassing symptom of my embarrassment.”

Palin is positive about the future, despite being pipped at the post to a seat on the presidential chair by a man much more “kind” and “charismatic” than her “gun-toting, critter-murdering” self.

“You can't keep a good Pit Bull down, especially when it’s wearing Raunchy Rouge. That’s the lipstick I wear."

Wednesday, 08 September 2010 20:05

Due today, the Queen's Speech is set to outline new government measures to help people count their pennies the old fashioned way in a final bid to help drag the country up from the depths of the downturn, an insider has today revealed.

Even as their time in power is almost unquestionably in its Winter months, Labour, in a bid to wow voters with their infamous blue sky thinking prowess, are set to push the Abacus Education Bill all the way to the top.

"We think that this will really show the people that we're all over it. We're not ready to throw in the towel just yet, and as you can probably tell by now, there's plenty more where that came from!”

Asked about the thinking behind the new bill, for which he has been accused of “characteristic time wasting”, Brown explained,

“It’s become painfully clear over the past 10 years that calculators and computers just don’t work for people when it comes to calculating compound interest rates and mortgage deals. Look at the sate of the economy now. It’s time to adopt a grassroots strategy with our people’s money. It’s time to go back to basics. It’s time to go back to the abacus.”

David Cameron has vowed to block any bills government will attempt to pass before the next election, especially this one, "because it's particularly poor. And when I say poor, I mean utter shit."

 “Everyone know an abacus has limits. There are only so many things you can count until you’ve got to start using your fingers. Smarties are a much better counting aid – there’s no ceiling. Any fucker knows that, for fuck’s sake. Gordon’s just making even more of a fucking joke out of himself. I almost can’t bear to watch… I can.”

Her Royal Highness, who is 83 and has 55 such speeches under her crown, delivered her own slant on the proposed bill yesterday.

“As long as one gets to ride on the streets of London in one’s golden carriage, wearing one’s crown and one’s cloak, and as long as one gets to donk the odd one or two chaps on the head with one’s sceptre, one couldn’t really give a fig.”

The innovative new bills to be proposed in the Queen’s Speech today are to be coupled with an exciting new technology from the ever-edgy Channel 4, who have made 3D glasses freely available to viewers in supermarkets across the country, through which they can view and better understand the Queen’s Speech.

When asked “why, exactly?”, a channel 4 spokesman declared,

 “It’s never been done before – not 3D politics. It will add another dimension to the very 2D politics we’ve been watching since politics on TV began. Seeing the Queen in 3D will really make people comprehend what she’s getting at. It’s a really worthwhile endeavour.”